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INDIVIDUAL:
Reggie Spangelhart Watts, an “Exxon janitor”
GROUP SIZE: 2
NATURE OF GROUP: Exxon Imposters The Yes Men Proposes Burning
Humanity for Fuel
INCIDENCE OF SOCIOMETRY: Vivoleum™
- transforming people who die into oil
Imposters posing as ExxonMobil and National Petroleum Council (NPC)
representatives delivered an outrageous keynote speech to 300 oil
men at GO-EXPO, Canada’s largest oil conference, held at Stampede
Park in Calgary, Alberta.
The speech was billed
beforehand by the GO-EXPO organizers as themajor highlight of this year’s
conference, which had 20,000 attendees. In it, the “NPC rep”
was expected to deliver the long-awaited conclusions of a study commissioned
by US Energy SecretarySamuel Bodman. The NPC is headed by former ExxonMobil
CEO LeeRaymond, who is also the chair of the study.
In the actual speech, the “NPC rep” announced that current
U.S. and Canadian energy policies (notably the massive, carbon-intensive
exploitation of Alberta’s oil sands, and the development of liquid
coal) are increasing the chances of huge global calamities. But here
assured the audience that in the worst case scenario, the oil industry
could “keep fuel flowing” by transforming the billions of
people who die into oil.
“We need something like whales, but infinitely more abundant,”
said “NPC rep” “Shepard Wolff” (actually Andy
Bichlbaum of the Yes Men),before describing the technology used to render
human flesh into anew Exxon oil product called Vivoleum. 3-D animations
of the processbrought it to life.
“Vivoleum works in perfect synergy with the continued expansion
of fossil fuel production,” noted “Exxon rep” “Florian
Osenberg” (Yes Man Mike Bonanno). “With more fossil fuels
comes a greater chance of disaster, but that means more feedstock for
Vivoleum. Fuel will continue to flow for those of us left.”
The oilmen listened to the lecture with attention, and then lit "commemorative
candles” supposedly made of Vivoleum obtained from the flesh of
Reggie
Spangelhart Watts an
“Exxon janitor” who died as a result of cleaning up a toxic
spill. The audience only reacted when the janitor, in a video tribute,
announced that he wished to be transformed into candles after his death,
and all became crystal-clear.
At that point, Simon Mellor, Commercial & Business Development Director
for the company putting on the event, strode up and physically forced
the Yes Men from the stage. As Mellor escorted Bonanno out the door,
a dozen journalists surrounded Bichlbaum, who, still in character as
“Shepard Wolff,” explained to them the rationale for Vivoleum.
“We’ve got to get ready. After all, fossil fuel development
like that of my company is increasing the chances of catastrophic climate
change, which could lead to massive calamities, causing migration and
conflicts that would likely disable the pipelines and oil wells. Without
oil we could no longer produce or transport food, and most of humanity
would starve. That would be a tragedy, but at least all those bodies
could be turned into fuel for the rest of us.”
“We’re not talking about killing anyone,” added the
“NPC rep.” “We’re talking about using them after
nature has done the hard work. Afterall, 150,000 people already die
from climate-change related effects every year. That’s only going
to go up - maybe way, way up. Will it all go to waste? That would be
cruel.”
Security guards then dragged Bichlbaum away from the reporters, and
he and Bonanno were detained until Calgary Police Service officers could
arrive. The policemen, determining that no major infractions had been
committed, permitted the Yes Men to leave.
Canada’s oil sands, along with “liquid coal,” are
keystones of Bush’sEnergy Security plan. Mining the oil sands
is one of the dirtiest forms of oil production and has turned Canada
into one of the world’s worst carbon emitters. The production
of “liquid coal” has twice the carbon footprint as that
of ordinary gasoline. Such technologies increase the likelihood of massive
climate catastrophes that will condemn to death untold millions of people,
mainly poor.
“If our idea of energy security is to increase the chances of
climate calamity, we have a very funny sense of what security really
is,”Bonanno said. “While ExxonMobil continues to post record
profits, they use their money to persuade governments to do nothing
about climate change. This is a crime against humanity.”
“Putting the former Exxon CEO in charge of the NPC, and soliciting
his advice on our energy future, is like putting the wolf in charge
of the flock,” said “Shepard Wolff” (Bichlbaum). “Exxon
has done more damage to the environment and to our chances of survival
than anyother company on earth. Why should we let them determine our
future?”
Text of speech,
photos, video: GO-EXPO
statement:
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