How I Fake Awarded Myself

m[i]le[s] — Sun, 10 Feb 2013 14:56:51 +0000

INDIVIDUAL: Agent Janssen
GROUP SIZE: Indeterminate due to their hypothetical nature.
NATURE OF GROUP: The Metro Area Urban Landscaping Award Committee.
INCIDENCE OF SOCIOMETRY: How I Fake Awarded Myself – Some Of My Neighbors Don’t Like My Yard, But Somebody Does (Sort Of).

I got a notice in the mail from the City of Denver informing me there was a complaint about “weeds” in my yard. Those “weeds” are xeriscaping – hollyhocks, Russian sage, flax, Shasta daisies, irises, mint, yarrow, ect. – all plants that require little water and are great for Denver, a city that’s arid and water-challenged.

From Denver Water: “Denver Water coined the word (Xeriscape) in 1981 to help make low-water-use landscaping an easily recognized concept. Xeriscape is a combination of the word ‘landscape’ and the Greek word ‘xeros’, which means dry.”

Co-workers suggested I write obscenities in the neighbor’s lawn with bleach, but I wasn’t entirely sure WHICH neighbor complained to the city and didn’t want to start a turf war (figuratively or literally).

I decided instead that my xeriscaping was “award-worthy” and made an award sign from a fictitious organization (the Metro Area Urban Landscaping Awards), honoring my yard in the “xeriscaping category”. I mounted the sign on foam-core and used a yard sign frame, then placed it among the flax and left it there until weather destroyed it. I felt good – vindicated, but not vindictive!

Meanwhile, the city didn’t issue a ticket, and closed the case after a neighborhood inspector took a look at my yard and verified the plants are in fact xeriscaping.

SO FUCK YOU, NEIGHBOR AND HAVE A NICE DAY!
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ThIS report was originally published on a tri-fold display at iSFair 2O12.

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is » landscaping

How I Fake Awarded Myself