GROUP SIZE: Approximately 56 million.
NATURE OF GROUP: The people of the state of California vs. Mr. Ivanov Serge
INCIDENCE OF SOCIOMETRY: Lifes a Joke : Chapter 2

This incidence report was originally submitted to Sociometry Fair 2004 Las Vegas.

is agent Charlie Vurmin < see Lifes a Joke : Chapter 1 > introduced me to Mr. Ivanov Serge via State Prison Generated Mail.

Correspondence commenced.

Mr. Ivanov drew my wife Jessica and I the following unflattering wedding portrait. (We arent Ugly.) For compensation he wanted me to buy him a subscription to FHM for magazine for $9.95.

(We Aren't Ugly)

He also drew the following Jesus and The Virgin Mary hanky for me to wrap my bible in.

For compensation he wanted me to sign him up for the Mystery Guild Book Club for an introductory offer of 99 cents. All this sounded reasonable so I subscribed and I signed up...

Neither the folks at FHM or the Mystery Guild Book Club could master the task of billing one party and delivering to another (its called a "gift subscription" -- it cant be that hard). In my busy and FREE lifestyle this was barely a grain of sand in my shoe. In Mr. Ivanov's “sequestered in a cage" lifestyle this was very very aggravating. He forwarded me the following bill and returned my last letter with extensive commentary (note the underlining in green ballpoint).

As Mr. Ivanov's extremely aggressive tightly slanted handwriting is a bit hard to read I'll excerpt his letter:

Mr. Bergman

How I understand, My letters to you not very welcome at all! Your last letter I got from you just before New Year.You are a very irresponsible man.

I have not doubt in my mind anymore. I wasted my time in you. In January I sent to you big letter with good drawing n hankecheif in pastel and ink. I only tell you what I want from "Mystery Book Club". (After this its pretty unintellible -- I mean, can YOU read that -- but it is unmistakable inits profoundly dissapointed tone.)

To Mr. Bergman I would like to tell you BYE!

PS (a bunch of apocalyptic quotes from the Bible)

PS Always remember : Marriage is the death of all hope !!!

Agent Vurmin had not told me much about Mr. Ivanov. He was "radical" to be sure and definately an "authentic communist". Some of his letters prior to our breakup indicated (as best as I could read them) that he certainly DID NOT kill those people and that he most certainly was not in the Russian Mafia...

Chastised (and duly so) I decided that it was a imperative that Mr. Ivanov received his selections from The Mystery Guild Book Club. I sent an iquiry regarding the statuse of Mr. Ivanov's selections for The Mystery Guild Book Club. I received the following letter in responce:

Apparently Cherise Elliot at the Mystery Guild Book Club did not understand the... scope... of the situation. I felt compelled to implore her to address the situation A S A P to avoid another FHM incident! I mailed the following (paraphresed) letter to Cherise at the Mystery Guild Book Club.

Dear Cherise,

I Would like to thank you in advance for any help you can give me in this delicate situation. Though I'm sure that your system is set up to take only single addresses, it is imperative in this circumstance for the Mystery Guild books and materiels involved in selecting and receiving books to be mailed to Mr. Ivanov:

Mr. Ivanov
CDC-J-14382 B-4-609
Salinas Valley State Prison
PO Box 1051
Soledad CA 93960

AND all billing sent to myself, Peter Miles Bergman at the above stationary address. You have sent me a change of mailing address form. Thank you very much. Unfortunately, I have never received a member reply form or an invoice with an account number.

Please understand that Mr. Ivanov is in prison for "connections" to the Russian Mafia. Th books are payment for drawings he sends to me. When Mr. Ivanov receives a bill he gets very angry with me for he thinks I am not making payments. He does not understand the intricacies of your customer service and billing systems and does not forward the bills to me -- he only sends me angry letters! I am working on getting out of this situation through diplomatic means. Who knows what "connections" means? I don't care to find out quite frankly. As a good faith gesture I am sending the $0.99 to cover Mr. Ivanov's introductory selection without a bill. Please, I implore you to help me out in this regard and send me the bill.


Peter Miles Bergman

PS: Supporting documents: #1 Mr. Ivanovs enrollment form. #2 Postal Order receipt. #3 Angry Letter #4 Drawings

It has been several years and I have not heard back from The Mystery Guild Book CLub, FHM,or Mr. Ivanov. I consider our business to be finished. So to you Mr. Ivanov I say BYE!!